HOW TO DISCIPLINE THE STEP CHILDREN

All step families may have different needs and as effective stepparents you have to play an active role in earning the trust and respect of your children. First you have to focus on building a relationship with your children and then move on to a disciplinary role. To gain parental authority, you can advance from one step to other of these three steps to positive relationship and successful step parenting style - Role of Baby sitter, Role of Uncle or Aunt and Role of Parent.

Role of Baby sitter
Shortly after remarriage, biological parents and step parents must negotiate the rules and consequences for their children behind closed doors. In front of step children, biological parent passes of the authority to the step parent as he or she would to a baby-sitter, teacher, coach or any other adult in charge. Biological parent will state the rules and consequences to the children as if they are one to set them and the step parent will just enforce them when they are absent. Children should know that they have to treat the stepparent with honor and respect and if he takes some disciplinary actions or forbid them to do something, it is just as an extension of their own parent and using their parent’s authority.

They might report to their biological parent and the children will have to face their parent for the consequences. If children refuse to obey stepparents, this is an effective way to make them understand that they are not trying to replace their ‘own’ parents but just trying to enforce what their parents think is best for them. In complex stepfamilies, where both parents have children to constitute a stepfamily, parents negotiate rules together and then, each take a lead to discipline their own children. Thus, they act as the primary parent to their children and the baby-sitter to their spouse’s children. Rules should be same for all the kids and parents should be consistent without playing favoritism.

Role of Uncle or Aunt
As children start accepting step parents into their lives and stepparents have earned some respect from children, they can move on the role of uncle or aunt, just like an extended family member. Children may look up to you as a member of their family through marriage to their mother or father and there may be some personal connection evolving too. Personal bonds deepen and love and affection for the step parent and children increases. It is the time for frequent one-on-one activities with children and lots of appreciation. Parents can be a little more authoritative at this stage and set clear limits in communication and can participate in family discussions regarding rules of the household.

Role of Parent
With time, you can move on to gain the status of a parent with your step children. Younger children may accept you as a parent much more quickly than an adolescent. However, if you never gain parental status in your child’s life due to the conditions beyond your control, you can still share a good relationship with your stepchildren.

ADVICE

Stepfamilies may have the couple and biological children of one or both of the spouses. The thumb rule to successful parenting in a step family is the harmony between parent and the stepparent. There are two types of relationships that are at work in such families - marital relations of the couple and the stepparent-stepchildren relationships. It is not true that stepparent alone is responsible for step parenting. The strength of your love and affection of your spouse will determine whether your relations can endure the pressures and challenges of the stepfamily couples and give it stability. Role of stepparents in the family determines the level of stress in children that in turn determines stress in the marriage.

Both the parents have to understand that none of them is the only one responsible for the children. They need to work as a team. Instead of constantly suspecting each other and get set against each other when the stepparent somehow upsets the children, the biological parent must play the role of the facilitator and the bridge between his or her children and spouse. There must be a set role for both the biological parents and stepparents based on their strengths. They must have one goal for their children and should work as a two-people team to try and achieve them. Biological parents need to support their spouse and children who are struggling to adjust to each other. Smart step parenting means that the biological parent and the stepparent form an alliance and plan and parent their children together

BONDING

Stepfamily integration and bonding with a stepchild is not something that adults can control. It takes time, perhaps two to three years, for stepfamilies to begin to think or act like a family. Genuine intimacy and affection in step relationships may take another five to six years to build up. In families with young children, where the adults actively work to bring the step family together, the integration time may get reduced to four years while in slow families; the time may extend to more than nine years. During the time of remarriage, most adults believe that the blending process will be much quicker and painless and cannot fathom the long duration that it might take.

We need to understand that there is complex family dynamics at work in a stepfamily, which take most adults by surprise. Restructuring family living arrangements after a divorce may just mean that family has spread over two or more households and thus emotional and relational dynamics get complicated. Stepfamilies mean that there are one or more additions to the family with whom you have to share your home and your children and stepchildren and your spouse and his or her family are all now part of your expanded family, at least as extended family kinship in the beginning. Then, there is the expanding family of your first husband or wife and your spouse’s former husband or wife’s family who may be in contact with one or all of you.

Then, stepfamilies integration may mean that you and your wife were married more than once and all the husbands or wives and their families may have some kind of connection with your immediate stepfamily. Then, there are scars caused by previous relationships that can affect the children and they may have been wounded deeply. Step relationships have to allow time to heal the wounds and then warming up to step parents and then finally, befriending them. This all takes a lot of patience and you have to be sensitive to the loss of your step children and what they might be going through to allow them the liberty of grieving instead of responding to your love and affection.