IN-LAWS, CHILDREN, MARRIAGE PROBLEMS

Married children and parents may have different points of view and if they are not dealt with, in a mature manner, they may turn out into stressed in-law relations and conflicts between in-laws, parents and children. Good, strong and healthy in-law relationships are an important factor of the life of married couples and if you have good relations with the spouse of your children, it can become a major contribution factor in the success of your children’s marriage. Good parent in-laws never try to intrude or impose upon their children, daughter-in-law or son-in-law. They give their advice only when the young couple asks them for their opinion.

You must remember how lectures bored us when we were young. Simply suggesting solutions and stating your point of view is the best way to counsel young people. It is best left to the couple to decide whether they want to act as you suggested or not. Let the couple struggle to be financially and emotionally independent and do not offer financial aid or support until the young couple explicitly requests it. Let them handle their own trials and learn their own lessons. Parents must also understand that despite their best intentions, couples owe primary allegiance to each other rather than their parents. It is best not to ask too many private questions and let the new couple have their privacy so that can build a meaningful relationship together.

Keeping secrets and not to tell anyone what has been told to you by the couple in confidence is another important factor in good in-law relationships. Spilling the beans may only result in losing respect and trust of the couple. It is not necessary that the new couple live according to your standards and values. As your child and her husband or his wife are individual adults, they must be allowed to choose their own style of living, develop their own family traditions and live in any way they want. You may need to re-focus on yourself and your interests rather than paying attention to what your child is doing. Married couples may not be able to devote much time to you but that doesn’t mean that they don’t love their parents anymore. It just means that they are more on their hands than they have time for.

Let the couples learn from their own mistakes and parents who do not respect the couple or turn their noses up at their decisions, may lose their places in the couple’s heart. Even if you don’t approve of them and they fail, never adopt an ‘I-told-you-so’ attitude. Do not make big issues over little things. Your child’s spouse may not want to call you ‘Mom’ or ‘Dad’ and may feel more comfortable using your first names. This is their decision and you should accept it gracefully. Your child’s spouse is not your rival of the love your child has for you. Love never divides, it only multiplies. So, make him or her feel welcome in your home, take interests in your in-law and try to build a warm loving relationship with them and perhaps, on his or her terms that are reasonable.

The announcement of their kids being divorced may come as a shock to their aging parents. Their reaction to the news can play an important role in their child’s lives, however. Parents may worry and cry over the sadness their children will have to face and how they must be brokenhearted. They may feel powerless, angry, guilty, and ashamed and may grieve the loss as dreams of their happily married children may be broken. But the way they deal with the situation provides an important clue to their children to face the situation themselves. Children draw on their parent’s strength and calm to deal with the myriad changes and turmoil in their own lives during these trying times.

Your stability and wisdom can be an example to your children and thus, you must master your thoughts and emotions before you react or respond to the news. You may have a good cry before you talk to the estranged couple. Perhaps, you may suggest the couple to seek reconciliation; go for counseling and have a separation period before finalizing their divorce so that they can get over the emotional turmoil before finalizing anything. Emotional hurt, the blame game and fault finding often come in a package with divorce along with issues such as the division of property, custody of children and visitation rights.

In the midst of it all, you may have to decide your role and help make the transition stage smoother for your children. You need to be a positive influence in their lives with a mature attitude and model forgiveness. Choose your words and actions carefully to dispel the pain and confusion of your children and help them to heal emotionally. You may have to be a constant support of your child during battles in court for custody and visitation rights. Then, there are practical considerations too. You may have to decide whether you will allow your child to move back home. Perhaps it will be better for them to find their own options such as moving into smaller apartments.

Depending on your financial condition and your children’s attitude, you may have to debate with yourself and your children about how much financial or material support to offer, whether it will be a gift or a loan, or in case of a loan, what will be its duration. You may not want to raise grandchildren, directly or indirectly, too. Perhaps, when your children realize that there are no parents waiting with open arms for them if they do whatever they like, they may make more sincere efforts to reconcile with their spouses. However, avoid the temptation to give advice, which has not been asked for, and ask for your children’s permission before suggesting anything. If parents try to run their children’s lives, it may only complicate the relationships of the couple. If you are too depressed or feel lost, seek counseling.